Final Push for the Camino de Santiago

For almost a year now you have read my drivel about preparations for the Camino de Santiago, the way of St. James, the French Way or however you term it. You've read about my packing, choosing footwear, choosing underwear for heavens sake! Now I am little over 2 weeks until departure and I find myself... terrified.

Some of you may nod your head and say that this is completely understandable - perhaps normal. But I'm afraid to get excited about it, afraid to pack, afraid to train. You see, I've thought of this in abstract, that it really isn't me who is doing it - just some gal I know. Now it's coming and I am just... subdued.

I think this lack of happy feelings scares me the most. It may not be my body that wants to give up, or my brain - but my heart... Because somewhere, deep down, I believe I will fail. That my body or confidence will stumble and I will simply pack it in and head to the beach. While the beach isn't bad - that is not what this trip is about... it is about walking, talking, thinking and stretching myself as best I can.

Then I get angry:

I walked through winds, snow, rain and every type of weather
I walked through illness, surgery and recovery
I walked when I didn't know what I was doing
I learned to love a city
I listened to friends about hiking
I learned things I never knew were important
I (half-assed) tried to learn Spanish

So why... Why now, when I am on the cusp of something wonderful, do I feel this way?

Perhaps this is why I need the pilgrimage - to learn why this happens, how to work through it, and on the other side be a better person for it.

Self doubt is crippling. Self doubt is empowering.

Because I am one stubborn bitch and this time... self doubt won't win.

Buen Camino,
Lori
Post-Publishing Note: This post seems like I am not looking forward to the Camino or that I wish I wasn't going. To put a finer point on it, I "need" to do this walk - if only to prove something to myself. The rest of you are simply along for my ride.

1 comments :

  1. I remember feeling somewhat the same as I made my first trip to Australia, solo. I can't imagine how you could possibly fail. What is it you would consider a failure? Seeing all your tweets about walking home from work, in the dark, in the middle of winter, wearing tights, girl, if you got through all that, Camino de Santiago is going to be a cake walk :-) You've already succeeded. If you even just start the walk, you've succeeded.I can't wait to hear all about it.
    Colleen D

    ReplyDelete

I really appreciate you taking time to comment. I read them all.

Thanks ever so much!
Lori

 

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